Cleo’s Modified and Inaccurate Version of History (Volume I)

Welcome, peers. This is Madame Expert McProfessor Cleo Augustina here, and I’m pleased to inform you about the origins of sexists and sexism.

(By the way, Augustina is my middle name, not last, just in case someone decides to search me…stalker. And no, my parents aren’t hippies. In fact, I’M the weird one in my family. Really! Everyone else is much more sane.)

Now then, our lesson dates all the way back to cave men and women times. The first person to invent a sling shot HAPPENED to be a woman. She was cooking breakfast for herself one morning when a fat hairy caveman appeared on her cavestep. She couldn’t think of any other way to defend herself from the creepy man, and yesterday she’d hurt herself with her scrunchie by stretching it back too far, so she grabbed a stick shaped as a V and a nice elastic dinosaur tail. Yes, the dinosaurs were made of plastic. How else do you explain how they melted when they came in contact with fire and meteors?

Anyways, she grabbed one of those and pulled it back on the stick hoping it would shoot at the man. By now he was standing in a puddle of his slobber and his eyes were lustful. The cave-woman grabbed a rock off the counter. She thought for a minute and then had a sudden realization. She could just hit him over the head! The rock came smashing down on the caveman’s skull and he crumpled to the ground like a dead rat.

The cave-woman was later eaten and cooked over the fire for mutiny.

Let’s continue!

Before the caveman and woman times, there were monkeys. Yes, humans evolved from monkeys. No one created us out of thin hair. *scoff*

Anyways, the monkeys were very active. Typically though, the females were smarter and found bananas and food much faster. The males were full of muscle though, so they went with the females to protect them whilst gathering. One day, the smallest male monkey punched a random bird in the face. It hadn’t even approached the female, the male was just extremely jealous and in love with the female and let nothing (not even the leaves) touch her.

This made his ego and pride dramatically boost. It went so high, that the male thought he was the one doing all the work. When the female returned, the male had carried the food for her. The others thought that the male had gotten ALL of those delicious morsels, but in reality he head done nothing. Then, the other males figured they could do better than the females too, and they began treating the females like dirt. Apparently, the females were supposed to sit still, clean the males, or mate with them.

Thus concludes my two examples of where sexists and sexism came from.

Thank you all and have a pleasant afternooon.


Madame Expert McProfessor Cleo Augustina

By Fabio

2 comments on “Cleo’s Modified and Inaccurate Version of History (Volume I)

    • XDD Glad to make your breakfast special! Sorry there wasn’t one today or a short afternoon one yesterday, but I was at Casey’s house and spent the night. Then we saw the Hunger Games today (books were MUCH better) so…now I’m posting. :3

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